Inoculated Against Ourselves
on the unconscious inner authority transfer for the sake of optimisation.
I read an instagram post today, it told me where I feel anger in my body.
Another told me what was wrong with my romantic relationship. It’s his fault. No, it’s my fault. NO, it’s our parents’ fault.
Another told me why I have adhd. No, neurodivergence! Actually, another one told me it was depression. Or was it an existential crisis?
I bumped into an app which told me I have anxiety and my watch told me how badly I slept.
My phone told me I have an average of 27 hours a day of screen time.
I read a statistic which told me how long I’ll live and what disease I’ll develop.
I saw an ad that sold me a product that will cure my cellulite, my stretchmarks and another to fix my protein intake.
I bumped into a podcast which told me what words I should use when talking to my friends and another which promised to make me act confident.
And through all of this I was told that the third world war is knocking on our doors, the economy is in the toilet and the AI takeover is as imminent as my next breath.
It’s weird. I didn’t even know I had all these problems.
I didn’t know someone knows better where I feel anger when it is so clear in my muscles and my heart when it arises.
I didn’t know there is something so wrong with my relationship or with myself that I need someone to give me a diagnosis or to attribute fault.
I didn’t know I needed a device to tell me how well I slept, since I can pretty much tell from how rested I feel.
I didn’t know being nervous about something important requires an app to quickly soothe the discomfort, nor that a day has more than 24 hours.
I nearly died 3 times so far, so I doubt that a statistic could be precise on my lifespan and I’m pretty sure my personal medical history is far more relevant than a statistic calculation.
I didn’t know my body was so wrong that it needed so many products and procedures to be considered pretty, nor that pretty was the best it had to give when it kept me alive through so much.
I didn’t know I was using the wrong words when I was talking to my friends, nor that I lacked confidence.
The third world war has been “knocking on our door” since Nostradamus predicted it, the economy had two good years in the last 36 and AI is consuming more than it is giving so I’m pretty sure it’ll crash soon.
And now I wonder…are all of these real problems for everyone or am I being inoculated to consider them as such? Because I cannot figure it out..
When did the data offered by a smart watch on the quality of my sleep outweigh the level of restfulness or lack of it I feel upon waking?
When did a social media post made by another get to decide how I experience anger in my body?
When did the opinion of an absolute stranger over my relationships outweigh my own?
When did we become so convinced there is something so wrong with us that we need labels, tests and diagnostics?
When did we become so convinced there is something so wrong with us that we cannot rely on ourselves?
When did we become so frightened by living that we ended up giving away our authority and autonomy to external forces?
When did we become so frightened by life that we require absolute certainty?
Why are we so uncertain on who we are and yet so certain that there is a certain correct way we should be?
Maybe it is a side effect of technology and always having an answer or solution within a couple of taps on a screen.
Maybe it is the conviction with which other people speak which shames the existance of doubt and pushes out nuances.
Maybe it is the past thirty years which were filled with one catastrophe after the other, which made us fear the world.
Maybe it was the extensive media coverage of every catastrophe out there, accessible through every scroll, terrorising our nervous systems.
Maybe it was the alienation between generations, which narrowed our perspectives.
Maybe it was the disempowerment of people and the disbanding of communities.
Maybe it was the constant comparison with other people’s highlights.
Maybe it’s the loneliness and powerlessness we feel behind our screens.
Maybe in the overwhelm, we are looking for things we feel we can monitor and control.
Maybe in the midst of it all we think we shouldn’t even feel overwhelmed, overlooking the compounding effect.
I don’t know why or when it happened. Maybe it wasn’t only one cause and maybe it was not all at once. It still makes me sad, it makes me mad.
What I do know is that in the midst of it all most of us stopped pursuing curiosity for curiosity’s sake, and most of us stopped sitting with the discomfort of uncertainty and of the present.
We look to dissociate completely through compulsive behaviours or we rush to fix and optimize everything.
I know I’m a fixer and I know when overwhelm was present, certainty and rushing to understand and repair were my attempts at control and self-soothing.
Now, I am returning to being curious, rebuilding autonomy and practicing creating space for both the beautiful and the hard, practicing sitting with the discomfort of not knowing, not having answers and just trusting myself.
I remain curious towards your perception and I would love you to tell me
What do you do when you feel overwhelmed?
How much curiosity do you bring in relationships and experiences?
Thank you for exploring In the Dark with me! I look forward to reading your story.
Ce mi-a plăcut să te citesc! Plus poza cu tine şi pisica - love it! Eu pot să îți scriu scurt cum se simte de pe baricada mea: social media făcea mult la mine. Nu mi-au dispărut problemele şi grijile, dar au mai multă legătură cu viaţa mea din prezent.
When did we become so frightened by living that we ended up giving away our authority and autonomy to external forces? - I think we get born this way, we need to earn that autonomy, and maybe we just didn't manage to do that.